moving on

i got bored of this blog so i set up a new one somewhere else =) check me out on:

http://jcuervo7.tumblr.com
(fyi, it's still under construction)

ugh

i've been soo stressed out lately. i feel like i can't move or do anything and im just running away from the source when i know i should be dealing with that shit ASAP... but im not. why am i like this? do i like to see myself suffer?

soo now what

you know when one of your close friends is hella depressed and you see it and you try to help but they are either unresponsive to your offer of assistance or unwilling to open up and so you end up stuck not knowing what to do?

yeea that's where i am right now.

teleseryes

the past couple of weeks, ive been watching a lot of filipino soap operas aka teleseryes on youtube (cuz i don't have tfc at home). i guess it's part of me wanting to watch or do something totally different and just getting my mind away from things. is it a coincidence that they're all freakin romance/comedy soap operas? ugh.

fuck

i suck. i cant seem to get a break in anything. and i dont wanna play the blame game cuz i got nobody but myself....

being a martyr vs. being stupid

MARTYR - someone who suffers or makes great sacrifices for the sake of a principle; someone who suffers silently for a long time; etc.

am i being a MARTYR because despite the fact that i know i get hurt whenever he tells me things about other guys, i am still there for him for the sake of this bestfriendship? even if we both know that nothing can ever happen and every time i see him kissin or cupcakin and shit with some other guy, i can't help but feel like sucha loser. but i suck it up & put on my poker face, tryna hide the fact that my heart feels like it's going through a paper shredder, or that my head is running a million miles a minute with different thoughts. i say to myself "it's coo, i can take this..." but honestly im practically dying inside.

STUPIDITY - a wrong action attributable to bad judgment or ignorance; being rash or foolish.

albert einstein was quoted that "the definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results." am i being STUPID because i keep on putting myself in these kinds of situations repeatedly knowing that i will get hurt, and hoping in vain that maybe someday the result im expecting will happen? if i know that being around him and seeing him act the way he does around other guys hurts me, why am i stupid enough to still be there. am i choosing to ignore certain facts. am i letting my feelings for this guy make me act so dumb that i am ignoring what is the best thing i can do for my own sake...

-----

which one am i...

songs for the week

1. Paano Na Kaya - Bugoy Drillon

2. Umaasa Lang Sa Iyo - Six Part Intervention

3. Imma Be - B.E.P.

4. Writer's Block - Nasri

5. The Heart Never Lies - Johnta Austin

6. Retro, Dance, Freak - Lady Gaga

7. Battlefield - Jordin Sparks

fuck the world

this weekend was depressing.

gaaahhd

i think im losing my marbles. iono what im doing anymore. tell me why i started getting super pissed when i found out that matt went to usf to meet up with edgardo. and then he calls me later and asks what time the csueb library closes only to have edgardo tagging along. wtf. and then tonight during pcn practice, i specificaly told matt that edgardo better be gone by the time he swings by and yet HE STILL BROUGHT HIM. he knew i would be annoyed and yet he still did that. what an asshole. gaaahhd, i wanted to smack someone.

i met up with matt at walmart after the practice and he said "u looked sad." i just looked at him and said "well you already know why. jerk."

iono maan. i can't fuckin do this anymore. whyyy can't edgardo just fuckin go awaaaay?! doesn't he have friends? i knoow that bitch got friends. just fuckin leeeeeaaaaave. geeeez.

fuckin a

my day can be easily ruined by jerks aka my parents &to be more specific, my father, who apparently has no sense of learning when to stfu for the day. it's freakin mother's day and yer gonna sit there and run your mouth about shit. seriously, on mother's day? have sum fuckin class.

i don't talk back anymore or acknowledge what he say because im over it and i am not tryna be baited into a fight. my only weakness is that i don't receive insults and putdowns very well. so thank you very fuckin much cuz i have you to blame for my self-inferiority complex. at least i know the cause.

balancing act

soo yesterday, me mara and ethel went to wingstop to eat and i started to tell them about my issue about something. i really really reeally try not to think about it too much but it always comes up when this guy's name comes up and it's kinda annoying. they started laughing when i put my fist up cuz that's really how annoyed i get. i feel like now i always have to keep this balance between tryna be a friend while keeping my feelings at bay. which is hard, but hey i've managed so far. he knows already but like i've said before, we both like where we are right now as far as the bestfriendship goes and im not really tryna ruin that. iono, maybe it feels like the safest place to be cuz neither of us knows what will happen if we try somethin else.

last night, this nigga hella called him "babe" on twitter and so i hella texted him and i was like "WOOW HE CALLED YOU BABE ON TWITTER. IM ABOUTA SLAP HIM." and then i tweeted "WOOW REALLY?! IM ABOUTA KNOCK SOMEONE OUT." lol, woow is right. i hella deleted that tweet right after i sent it cuz i felt bad. he got mad cuz the guy hella put him on blast on twitter wit that babe shit and so the guy deleted it.

nts: i needa list my reasons for the yays and nays of what is up with me and this guy. cuz this post does not make sense.

meh

i honestly feel like i am never gonna be okay until i learn to let go and kill every feeling i have for this person. if that doesn't happen, things will only get worse. im always doing this to myself. i feel so trapped. and fucking sad like crazy =(=(=(

new jams

1. body language - jesse mcartney ft. tpain
2. best i ever had - drake
3. won't say im sorry - neyo
4. shatter - nasri
5. decisions - neyo
6. change - kelly rowland
7. nothing - chris brown
8. come back to me - mario

its complicated.

EH.

soo thats exactly how i feel... because i don't know exactly how i feel. hella fail riight? well i guess lemme try to explain. soo i started to feel jealous about something. but now im not sure why i started feeling jealous in the first place. well actually, i partly know one of the reasons why im getting jealous and it's because someone's tryna third wheel off our bestfriendship. and i get super annoyed when it's just us two, and then he's there. like umm... hello a&b only, not c.

but then there's a second part that kinda scares me and even caught me off guard. im afraid of thinking about it because i really REEEAALLY don't think i wanna go beyond the friendship line. i can't figure out when this part of the reason start to manifest itself and that's why even i surprised myself about it. i don't wanna lose this person over sum bullshit.

gaaahd, talk about complicated.

i wish i could believe this.

god doesn't give us who we want.

he gives you the person you need.

to help you. to hurt you. to leave you.

to love you. and make you into the person you are meant to be.

another sorry love post

woow, okay. soo last night was sumthin else. alls i kno is i can't be fuckn drinking and typing on my kick at the same time cuz STUPID EMO BULLSHIT start comin out and i haaaatee bein like thaat!!! it hella pisses me off.

okay soo me and matt went to a lil kickback in union city last night, riight?? and as soon as we got there... i see him. and ohh maan iono whether to feel happy or act like my night was ruined. i can't be around this guy for too long. it's too hard!! i was right next to him but he still felt so far awayy. i couldn't hug him or kiss him or hold him... and that kills me.

i cant be doin this shit nemore.

saawry

i kinda got sidetracked wit LIFE and that's why i haven't been typing in here as much. i promise that as soon as i find mahself a new whip and get a little bit more settledi n this quarter, then i will write out a long ass entry. kthnx =]

new fave songs

just some songs im feelin right now:

1. keri hilson - knock you down

2. keri hilson - turnin me on (remix)

3. colby o'donis - ooh aah

4. laze & royal feat. neyo - 3 way love

5. throw it in the bag - fabolous feat. the dream

i think im gonna start an experiment where im gonna upload my mp3 files on supload.com or wherever so yal can dl these songs. lemme know if u guys think it's a good idea.

y...eeeaa

what a blow.

felt like i got hit by a 2 ton truck.

and my heart went down in flames.

"i was flyin, and now im crashin. this is bad, real bad..." -keri hilson

think about it

"it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."