y...eeeaa

what a blow.

felt like i got hit by a 2 ton truck.

and my heart went down in flames.

"i was flyin, and now im crashin. this is bad, real bad..." -keri hilson

think about it

"it hurts to love someone and not be loved in return. but what is the most painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you feel."

Spring Quarter 2009 Schedule

HDEV3800: Human Development
TuTh 8am-950am
HSC4010: Research and Program Evaluation
Online Class Only
THEA3072: PCN Class
TuTh 4pm-550pm
HIST4710: History & Trends in Nursing
TuTh 12pm-150pm *WAITLISTED*


prof. morewitz, who i had for hsc 4600 sent out an email saying he will most likely open a second section of 4010. i will drop ritter as soon as that happens cuz i HATE her. he's a pretty easy going teacher, unlike ritter. however, his section will be at the same time as pcn class so i will have to drop that, and cross my fingers that i get in hist4710 so i can still be a full-time student. otherwise i will have to look for another class.

just a lil somethin.

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people that treat you right. Forget about the ones that don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

whatever.

i have resolved to go to CaPS as soon as spring quarter starts, or else im gonna go crazy.

how to tell if you're depressed

let me list them all:

1. sometimes i feel like i don't wanna go through the day anymore, and i just wanna sleep to make time go faster. i have no energy for anything.

2. i have pretty much lost interest in a lot of things. i'll go out, but don't really wanna do much.

3. i've been feeling sad and unhappy every single day. i guess my face pretty much reveals it. matt's always asking me what's wrong but i never say anything. i try really hard to put up a front and say everything's ok, but i guess im failing at that.

4. i feel like no matter what i do, things just end up going wrong for me.

5. i feel like a failure.

6. i feel like crying all the time.

7. i'll just lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling for hours.

8. i lose my appetite really fast. ill try to eat for a couple of minutes but after that, i just give up.

9. its hard for me to concentrate on anything. i have a thousand thoughts running through my head, but i just want them to stop.

10. i think i have mood swings.

i jus want it all to stop.

stressed out

i think it's just the fact that i have A LOT of stressful things goin on in my life right now that im tryna handle all at once, and that is what's makin me soo high-strung. =/

i can only deal with so much...

overactive brain

i feel like i have sooo many issues that i gotta deal wit @ the same time and it's driving me crazy!!

this past weekend

i know its already a tuesday night, but i really wanna talk about this past weekend.

first off, i had to deal with traffic school from my speeding ticket last november. i signed up for the in person class @ the new haven adult school from 8am-430pm, but the teacher let us out 30 mins early. i thought it was gonna be boring but it was actually aright. the guy teaching it made the info really interesting and he seemed like he knew what he was talking about. it's just too bad that i couldn't really pay attention cuz i was literally falling asleep in class. i hadn't really gotten a lot of sleep since the car accident, mainly cuz im full of worries plus work and tryna carry on wit my life. i guess the only good thing about traffic school was there was a cute guy in it hahaa. i thought it was interesting that about 75% of the people that were in there was because of red light violations while the rest consisted of speeding tickets. after that, i had to be dropped off to work.

after work, matt and i went to a little kickback in san jose. i don't really wanna say too much other than i got hella drunk... and i found out that the guy i hella like actually feels the same way about me. i just thought it was funny that it took alcohol for us to get it outta our system. i think to round that night up... i guess i was a little "carefree" hahaa. i mean, you know, when i think about it, that was the most time i have ever spent physically with this person with all emotions out in the open. he asked me to spend the night over at his house after, which i did. matt dropped me over. and we just spent the rest of the night and all of sunday cuddling and stuff. im gonna be blunt, of course that felt hella nice... you know? like i haven't been in that kind of situation for awhile where the feelings were mutual and you both just enjoyed each other's company. no doubt about it, this past weekend shits on all my other past weekends this whole year. needless to say, i was happy. i AM happy.

i guess the only thing now is: where do we go from here? now that some stuff has been established, will it go anywhere? i guess thats just the confusing part about all of this. im willing to see where this goes...

the last few days have literally been a roller coaster for me, with a lot of different things happening all at once. it's been a crazy 2009 so far for suure.

RNB/SLOW JAMS AALLL DAYY!!

lee carr - cameras don't lie

young steff - baby stay with me

mario - afraid to cry (hardest moment)

car accident

soo, i got into a car accident last night. vanessa, jason, and noebie were in the car too. we're all fine.

this week has already been nothing but problems for me, and this situation last night was just the icing to an overall bad month. im pissed off at myself... im pissed off at the cars that were in front of me... im pissed off about my car... im just really pissed off about everything. i have been in tears ever since i got home. of course, i had to tell my parents about what happened because they needed to know, and i needed help. at this point, i am just sooo overwhelmed like... i feel so bad for my parents, which makes me feel angry at myself for putting them in this situation. im worried about the car and how much it's gonna cost, what the insurance will do, how the insurance issues between the three cars will come out, how soon i will get back the car, how i will get to work... plus there are just soo many unsaid issues right now that i am dealing with at home and that my parents are dealing with.

it was obvious to me that my mom wanted to cry. they have every right to blame me and make me feel bad for what happened. i don't think that i have felt this way before or have ever reached such a low point. i can't help but feel that i have hurt them and disappointed them soo much. my dad got home earlier and tried to talk to me and i could do nothing. i could sense and hear the desperation coming out of his voice, and i couldn't look at him anymore... i can't look at my mom or my dad in the eyes anymore because i feel like a failure to them.

im just trying as hard as i can to hold my head up high, but honestly i am deeply depressed at this point. it has been a culminating moment. i just feel sooo. fucking. bad. and i can't take it anymore.

my poor ipod nano =(

soo for some mofuckin reason, my ipod started crappin out on me. i was walking around campus yesterday just enjoying my music when all of a sudden it just stopped playing. i look at my ipod and thought that was weird and started pressing all the buttons but nothing happened. so i did that trick where u switch the hold button on then off, and then hold the menu and select button together for a few seconds. that did the trick and my ipod reset itself. but ever since then when i leave my ipod alone by itself, it just shuts down and it doesn't wanna turn on anymore. now i always gotta fuckin do that stupid reset trick thing to the turn my poor baby on.

i am hella fuckin sad cuz this ipod is my baby. LOL, i know that sounds funny but now i just hear SILENCE cuz i can't listen to my music, which sucks. i tried restoring it already a couple of times but it still craps out on me. eventually, i had to call the apple tech support but that really wasn't much help. they just told me to do the same things i've already been doing to it before i called them. NICE TRY APPLE. u would think that people who call tech support are probably doing that as a last resort because they have gone through everything in the manual and more to fix whatever so we call hoping for some little piece of genius info to come along that will fix MY IPOD right back.

but nope. now i have an appointment with the genius bar at the apple store in pleasanton, so i gotta drive my ass there after my pharmacology midterm tomorrow. thank god my ipod is still under warranty so if they verify that my ipod has oh so suddenly cracked out (which i think it has), i will most likely get a replacement. HOORAY.

freedom... i can taste it!

maaan! soo i got on campus today by like 9am to give me time to study for my environmental science final. i hella looked over the review questions like they were the fuckin ingredients to my favorite banana creme pie. it went okay and im glad i actually took the time to study over it cuz it really helped in me knowing the answers to hopefully, most of the questions. my next final after that wasn't until 6pm so i hid in the computer lab in the science building at noon so i can look over the review terms for that class. no surprise... i got distracted by twitter, myspace, and facebook!! hella fail.

i was in there for about 3 hours until i walked over to the theatre building to pass by the potluck for our pcn class. it was pretty fun, although i hella lost my concentration for studying. there was hella food, casey and janie made chicken adobo (aaaayyeee!!!) and there was ice cream and strawberries!! not only was my head wanting to explode today, but also my stomach, ugh. i hate feeling tubby after i eat aka fatty's remorse syndrome <--- i made that up.

anyway, my last final at 6pm was for health system management. again it wasn't so bad cuz i took the time to study. but i really don't wanna jinx myself so i won't say much. overall, i felt productive today. i just have one more final on thursday and im pretty much fuckin done with this quarter =D

HELLOOO SPRING BREAK!!!

Friend

"What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies." -Aristotle

fuckin retarded

you ever feel like you almost had something and then you lost it? i was just sittin here over-thinking something and i just got heeeellaaa emo. i hate it when that shit happens. ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S ABOUT GUYS... WTSHIT!? hella gay tho.

then i think back to all the advice i gave other people like "don't get hung up over ONE GUY" or "KEEP YOUR FUCKING OPTIONS OPEN!" well, i mostly say that to matt. but maybe i should start listening to my own advice too. cuz i DO GET HUNG UP OVER ONE GUY. and advice #2 only works WHEN THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS!! UGH. or at least i don't want any other options. dyeuibjkjkk AAAAHHHHH.GAAAAHD!!

come back

last night was pretty interesting. the original plan for saturday night was to have a kickback at matt's house. but we ended up just going to lime in sf. mostly cuz matt wanted to go cuz of some guy. LOL, typical. we just prefaded in the car cuz i had no money to be buyin dranks in there. or i guess we promised ourselves not to buy any drinks. matt broke that promise. cuz of a guy. hahahaa. we saw hella folks there tho. i saw jason and noiebe... i feel like i haven't seen those two in forever. jason was hella drunk tho. and aww im missed haha. definitely gotta do major catch ups during spring break. ron kept on doing the aphio handshake wit me. lol i thought that was random cuz he always does that with me. ohh, and my eyecandy wasn't there =(

after lime, we passed guy this house party in union city. sad part is it was pretty much over by the time we got there. no surprise considering it was close to 2am. right when we were about to leave the house, i guess one of the guys was asking if me and matt were together LOL. i just gave this look and was like "uh, no." hahahaa, omgg matt was stupid drunk by then tho.

earlier today, there was a little kick it with marcos and us three new members of the wisdom family in akomega. we just talked about stuff, what's expected, what to look out for, share stories, whatever. i guess all i can say is that im definitely excited for the next quarters to come. im hella ready tho!

whatever

FUCK. my life.

im totally depressed.

im not ok - the dream

im probably gonna regret posting this later.

i've been kinda out of it the past couple of days mostly cuz i've been overthinking a couple of things. you know how when you're reeeaally into someone and you tend to wanna do hella things to show that you like that person? but for me, i end up not doing anything at all. or i mean i DO, like chaating wit them and stuff and saying hi all the time. and there have been, i guess, little hints before and shit. but nothing done overtly that hella screams "i freaakin like you!"or whatever. hella not my style.

i guess i hesitate because im really just scared of being disappointed or getting hurt over bullshit. it's very easy to say, "ohh you never know until you say something" or whatever. which is true, but that doesn't really stop my hesitation. iono... this post is not making sense anymore.

last night i had a dream about him. i AM thinking about this too much. ugh, fml.

Alpha Kappa Omega, Alpha Chapter, Xi Class

soo this past weekend was somethin else. all i can say was that it was pretty intense. i never once in my life thought that i would be where i am right now and it just feels amazing because i feel like i accomplished something. i can now officially call myself a brother of alpha kappa omega, alpha chapter! aaayyeee, lol. there were ten of us that crossed over in akomega. we also happen to have 3 line sisters that crossed over for alpha kappa omicron the same weekend! we are one hella big ass family. for those not in the know, alpha kappa omega is comprised of 5 families: strength, loyalty, pride, wisdom, and courage. out of the ten of us that crossed over, 2 went to strength, 3 went to loyalty, 1 went to pride, 3 went to wisdom, and 1 went to courage. we weren't able to get our official jackets yet cuz not everyone paid their fees in full. but hopefully well be able to get them before spring quarter starts. i hella want that shit nooow!! i know we're tryna get our shit together asap so that we could at least take studio pictures together! hahaa, i know hella gay right!? but just watch cuz our shit's gonna look hella tight. 

my big sis phaily and me

my sister mara and me

me and my sister ethyl

me and my sister/best friend vanessa

alpha kappa omega xi class paddle

akomega xi class and akomicron beta class

wisdom family

i went to go get my second paddle yesterday at robert's bookstore near sjsu along with a couple of bros, marcos and evan. after that, we saw some beta bros around campus and i got greeted by some of their new pledges!! hahaa, it feels soo weird to finally be other side and be greeted and recognized as a brother and not as a pledge anymore. we're tryna go their pledge meeting wednesday night to see how the betas pledge. it's gonna be hella interesting! im excited =]

this weekend

i am hella excited/anxious/nervous for this weekend!! sometimes i don't even know what to feel. i had a talk with my big bro last night about a couple of things and plus i guess i just needed a second voice to tell me stuff so i can be reassured. i still have hella shit to do and finish before tonight. i still gotta run around and so some errands, find some things on the list,  and finish this damn scrapbook! i will just be soooo happy when this is finally over. aaahh!!!

rainy days and sidekicks

at the risk of sounding emo, i just have to say that i really do LOVE the rain. i know how whenever i tell people that, they think im crazy or whatever. but i've always thought that rain was soothing and it hella calms me down. sometimes i think i could just stand there outside (with an umbrella of course) and just listen to the rain and watch it fall. the thunder and lightning that comes along with the rain just adds to the excitement.

anyway, yesterday and today were pretty much two rainy days. although i have to say that the sun is out right now. i was excited yesterday cuz i knew that i would finally be getting my sidekick replacement from the phone insurance. i hate to admit it, but my sidekick is attached to me at the hip like 24/7 and i go crazy when it's not. so you can just imagine how i was tryna go through two days without it. I WAS GOING NUTS. the ups guy arrive like at around 230ish and as soon as he gave me the box, i hella ran upstairs to my room to open it and instantly reactivate the phone. about the only thing that pissed me off was that it didn't come with a sim card, which asurion, the phone insurance company, said it would come with. i had to call them and ask them about it and they apologized and said that they would send one out immediately. why send out a phone without a sim card?! fail. anyway, it was a good thing that when i got a loaner phone from tmobile, i bought a sim card for it. so i just used that to activate the phone and voila!! i got back all my contacts and previous data from my lost/stolen sidekick. now all i need to do is find the oem sidekick lx case that originally came with the phone cuz that got lost/stolen too. hopefully they have some on ebay. i reeeally loved that case.

my replacement sidekick

so with that said, guess what arrived from ups today? my missing sim card. wtf? also, in regards to me talking about whoever possibly took my phone or whatnot, i already heard back from some people who confronted them about it and also them responding. at this point, i just wanna say that the past is the past. i got my replacement sidekick through insurance, so i don't really care anymore about what happened. im gonna tell matt and edgardo to pass on an apology to the people if they felt extremely accused of anything. i am willing to just move on because i don't want any drama.

yesterday was also the 2nd day for pcn acting auditions. at first i thought i would try out for a part, but then i thought about it some more and realized that i kinda didn't want to put the effort into it. i really just wanna limit myself to dancing and that's that. besides, we got a lot of new people to audition and i think it would be better for the pcn and pasa in general to present new faces in our organization. im teaching makatod again this year and i wanna try to change some things around so it's not just a repeat of what was shown last year. they had an intro to tinikling last night and i thought about doing it again. but then i remembered all those long ass practices that get hella tedious and annoying and i was like... naaaah. ill let the others discover all the fun. the sucky part about pcn is you tell yourself ohh im only gonna do this and im only gonna do that, but then u end up getting suckered into multiple other things u originally didn't wanna do, hahaa!

also, i can't really talk about it openly right now but i just wanna say that i have TWO MORE DAYS TO GO!! i am heeellaa fuckin excited and soo ready for this to be over already. i can't wait =]

dondon's bday & the saturday night from hell

so i was really excited for saturday night cuz it was dondon's bday celebration at miyake in palo alto. the last time we were all there was around end of may or june of last year, and i hella miss sake bombs. matt, dj and i arrived there at around 730ish and stood in line for everyone else. jeff, dondon, and his friends arrived about half an hour later. jason came through with anthony, kristina, and her white boyfriend while nicole and caroline hella lagged. i don't think we were able to sit down till like... close to 9pm.

anyway, the dinner was cool and i think everyone had fun. the only sucky part was our dumbass waiter who totally ignored us. see the thing is that when you take your sake bombs, the waiter is supposed to do the cheer for you: "when i say sake, you say bomb!"  while we stand on our chairs. we didn't really get to do that, which sucked cuz it was dj's first time there and i thought he didn't really get the full experience. but i digress. caroline in the meantime, was running around drunk from table to random table saying hi to whoever. overall, it's pretty much a night you would expect when you kick it with PAM. hahahaa.

me and one of my best friends, matt

left to right: birthday boy, jason, dj, caroline

sake bombs, chicken teriyake, sushi and rice

me and matt about to take our sake bombs

while jason is hella not ready

left to right: me, caroline, nicole, jason

happy bday dondon =]

the plan after that was to go to blue chalk, which is a bar a couple of blocks away from miyake. matt and i had to bounce cuz his sister was having a kickback at her house. dj couldn't go because of his dui so he couldn't really drive around too much. anyway, we got back to matt's house and there were already hella people over there. we were scared to drink some more cuz we just had sake and i, for one, did not wanna yack that night. rollie was there, ha. i invited a couple of other people i knew and they showed up a few minutes after we arrived. i got dj's girlfriend to redo my tail cuz it was lookin like a hot mess, so yay for that. we all started taking shots in the kitchen until matt decided to move people to his room. BIGGEST MISTAKE OF THE NIGHT.

so everyone started taking shots in matt's room. there was hella people tryna squeeze in that room. at this point, i pretty much reached my alky limit and i stopped drinking for the rest of the night. at first i thought everything was cool and everyone was havin a good time and whatever and i got to chill with some really good people. i don't really wanna get into details, but let's just say that drama reared its ugly head. not to mention that SOMEONE STOLE MY SIDEKICK, AND JOBELLE'S IPHONE. i was fuckin PISSED maan. here we were thinking we could trust people enough to be civilized and then they turn around and pull some fuckin bullshit on you. GROW THE FUCK UP.

i tried calling for my phone but i knew it was gone cuz i left that shit on loud and i could not hear my ringtone at all anywhere in matt's house. i had to call tmobile to suspend my account until insurance can send me a replacement in 2 days, which i paid one hundred fucking thirty dollars ($130). in the meantime im stuck with some fugly ass loaner phone i shouldn't be caught dead walking around with, and im going completely crazy because im so used to having my sidekick with me at all times. to whoever stole mine and jobelle's phone, you may not be reading this but i just wanna tell you to SUCK IT and i hope karma gets you back big time. if we're wrong, then we're wrong but we have a pretty good idea on who stole our shit. and we're gonna make sure than everyone knows about that crap you pulled. SO FUCK YOU AND YOU BETTER FUCKIN WATCH YOUR BACK FROM NOW ON.

first entry

aright, so new year (hella late i know) and new blog. i have actually written daily in a personal blog before here, but throughout the previous months and years i started writing less and less. it's more  of me getting really busy with life in general. i decided to restart a blog here on blogspot after seeing everyone jump on the bandwagon after my friend john started writing in one. another reason would be that sometimes, there are so many thoughts and comments running through my head. there are days when i really feel the need to talk to someone about it, but sometimes i feel like i have no one to turn to. so i thought writing them down would be the next best thing.

and so here i am. welcome to my life as i see it.

ready? then get set. and let's go.