i wish i could believe this.

god doesn't give us who we want.

he gives you the person you need.

to help you. to hurt you. to leave you.

to love you. and make you into the person you are meant to be.

another sorry love post

woow, okay. soo last night was sumthin else. alls i kno is i can't be fuckn drinking and typing on my kick at the same time cuz STUPID EMO BULLSHIT start comin out and i haaaatee bein like thaat!!! it hella pisses me off.

okay soo me and matt went to a lil kickback in union city last night, riight?? and as soon as we got there... i see him. and ohh maan iono whether to feel happy or act like my night was ruined. i can't be around this guy for too long. it's too hard!! i was right next to him but he still felt so far awayy. i couldn't hug him or kiss him or hold him... and that kills me.

i cant be doin this shit nemore.

y...eeeaa

what a blow.

felt like i got hit by a 2 ton truck.

and my heart went down in flames.

"i was flyin, and now im crashin. this is bad, real bad..." -keri hilson

this past weekend

i know its already a tuesday night, but i really wanna talk about this past weekend.

first off, i had to deal with traffic school from my speeding ticket last november. i signed up for the in person class @ the new haven adult school from 8am-430pm, but the teacher let us out 30 mins early. i thought it was gonna be boring but it was actually aright. the guy teaching it made the info really interesting and he seemed like he knew what he was talking about. it's just too bad that i couldn't really pay attention cuz i was literally falling asleep in class. i hadn't really gotten a lot of sleep since the car accident, mainly cuz im full of worries plus work and tryna carry on wit my life. i guess the only good thing about traffic school was there was a cute guy in it hahaa. i thought it was interesting that about 75% of the people that were in there was because of red light violations while the rest consisted of speeding tickets. after that, i had to be dropped off to work.

after work, matt and i went to a little kickback in san jose. i don't really wanna say too much other than i got hella drunk... and i found out that the guy i hella like actually feels the same way about me. i just thought it was funny that it took alcohol for us to get it outta our system. i think to round that night up... i guess i was a little "carefree" hahaa. i mean, you know, when i think about it, that was the most time i have ever spent physically with this person with all emotions out in the open. he asked me to spend the night over at his house after, which i did. matt dropped me over. and we just spent the rest of the night and all of sunday cuddling and stuff. im gonna be blunt, of course that felt hella nice... you know? like i haven't been in that kind of situation for awhile where the feelings were mutual and you both just enjoyed each other's company. no doubt about it, this past weekend shits on all my other past weekends this whole year. needless to say, i was happy. i AM happy.

i guess the only thing now is: where do we go from here? now that some stuff has been established, will it go anywhere? i guess thats just the confusing part about all of this. im willing to see where this goes...

the last few days have literally been a roller coaster for me, with a lot of different things happening all at once. it's been a crazy 2009 so far for suure.

im not ok - the dream

im probably gonna regret posting this later.

i've been kinda out of it the past couple of days mostly cuz i've been overthinking a couple of things. you know how when you're reeeaally into someone and you tend to wanna do hella things to show that you like that person? but for me, i end up not doing anything at all. or i mean i DO, like chaating wit them and stuff and saying hi all the time. and there have been, i guess, little hints before and shit. but nothing done overtly that hella screams "i freaakin like you!"or whatever. hella not my style.

i guess i hesitate because im really just scared of being disappointed or getting hurt over bullshit. it's very easy to say, "ohh you never know until you say something" or whatever. which is true, but that doesn't really stop my hesitation. iono... this post is not making sense anymore.

last night i had a dream about him. i AM thinking about this too much. ugh, fml.