fuck the world

this weekend was depressing.

gaaahhd

i think im losing my marbles. iono what im doing anymore. tell me why i started getting super pissed when i found out that matt went to usf to meet up with edgardo. and then he calls me later and asks what time the csueb library closes only to have edgardo tagging along. wtf. and then tonight during pcn practice, i specificaly told matt that edgardo better be gone by the time he swings by and yet HE STILL BROUGHT HIM. he knew i would be annoyed and yet he still did that. what an asshole. gaaahhd, i wanted to smack someone.

i met up with matt at walmart after the practice and he said "u looked sad." i just looked at him and said "well you already know why. jerk."

iono maan. i can't fuckin do this anymore. whyyy can't edgardo just fuckin go awaaaay?! doesn't he have friends? i knoow that bitch got friends. just fuckin leeeeeaaaaave. geeeez.

fuckin a

my day can be easily ruined by jerks aka my parents &to be more specific, my father, who apparently has no sense of learning when to stfu for the day. it's freakin mother's day and yer gonna sit there and run your mouth about shit. seriously, on mother's day? have sum fuckin class.

i don't talk back anymore or acknowledge what he say because im over it and i am not tryna be baited into a fight. my only weakness is that i don't receive insults and putdowns very well. so thank you very fuckin much cuz i have you to blame for my self-inferiority complex. at least i know the cause.

balancing act

soo yesterday, me mara and ethel went to wingstop to eat and i started to tell them about my issue about something. i really really reeally try not to think about it too much but it always comes up when this guy's name comes up and it's kinda annoying. they started laughing when i put my fist up cuz that's really how annoyed i get. i feel like now i always have to keep this balance between tryna be a friend while keeping my feelings at bay. which is hard, but hey i've managed so far. he knows already but like i've said before, we both like where we are right now as far as the bestfriendship goes and im not really tryna ruin that. iono, maybe it feels like the safest place to be cuz neither of us knows what will happen if we try somethin else.

last night, this nigga hella called him "babe" on twitter and so i hella texted him and i was like "WOOW HE CALLED YOU BABE ON TWITTER. IM ABOUTA SLAP HIM." and then i tweeted "WOOW REALLY?! IM ABOUTA KNOCK SOMEONE OUT." lol, woow is right. i hella deleted that tweet right after i sent it cuz i felt bad. he got mad cuz the guy hella put him on blast on twitter wit that babe shit and so the guy deleted it.

nts: i needa list my reasons for the yays and nays of what is up with me and this guy. cuz this post does not make sense.

meh

i honestly feel like i am never gonna be okay until i learn to let go and kill every feeling i have for this person. if that doesn't happen, things will only get worse. im always doing this to myself. i feel so trapped. and fucking sad like crazy =(=(=(

new jams

1. body language - jesse mcartney ft. tpain
2. best i ever had - drake
3. won't say im sorry - neyo
4. shatter - nasri
5. decisions - neyo
6. change - kelly rowland
7. nothing - chris brown
8. come back to me - mario

its complicated.

EH.

soo thats exactly how i feel... because i don't know exactly how i feel. hella fail riight? well i guess lemme try to explain. soo i started to feel jealous about something. but now im not sure why i started feeling jealous in the first place. well actually, i partly know one of the reasons why im getting jealous and it's because someone's tryna third wheel off our bestfriendship. and i get super annoyed when it's just us two, and then he's there. like umm... hello a&b only, not c.

but then there's a second part that kinda scares me and even caught me off guard. im afraid of thinking about it because i really REEEAALLY don't think i wanna go beyond the friendship line. i can't figure out when this part of the reason start to manifest itself and that's why even i surprised myself about it. i don't wanna lose this person over sum bullshit.

gaaahd, talk about complicated.